Letter to my 14-year-old self // Thoughts

As I am turning 18 in a few weeks I have been thinking a lot about my teenage years (lol, i'm still a teenager, calm down, cindy, who do you think you are????). So I decided to write a letter to my 14-year old self. Enjoy.

Dear Cindy,

Right now, your life is going great. It is 2013 and you're 14 years old. You have everything and more, but your head is spinning and it is spinning really fast, and sometimes it can be hard to have a clear view of the goal. I get that.

In a few months your head will start playing games with you. Try to harden you. It will give you all its got. You will be sad. Really really sad. Sadder than you ever have. Sadder than you can even imagine being.

You will make other people sad, which will only make it worse. You will be looking in the mirror and convincing yourself of how worthless you are. Pointing out every flaw. Every scar. The wrinkles around your eyes make you look old. You're not tall enough. Not pretty enough.

You will come up with this completely irrational plan to make it better, but skipping breakfast and lunch and dinner won't help it. Almost 4 years later it will still hurt being reminded of what you did in order to fulfill this fucking need of perfection.

You will feel alone, but it is okay, because you will keep going anyway. Because you're strong. And you're brave. 

Yes. You are going to screw up.

You are going to compensate for your insecurities by being overly confident, self-absorbed and vain. Nothing like the girl you were brought up to be. You had stars in your eyes, but they vanished one by one, as you quietly tried to give in. Trying to do anything to stop your head from spinning. So lost, but you are going to keep going.

You will find comfort in writing. Never stop writing.

You will go to California, you will go to Canada, where you will honestly have the some of the best weeks of your life so far, you will get a wonderful job, you will be so comfortable with yourself.

A week before your 15th birthday you will look in the mirror, and be scared of who you are. The deep hollow eyes lost of its warm colour.

I wish I could tell you that this was going to be the worst part of growing up, but you will be sad again. Your head will never stop spinning, but you're better know. You will teach yourself how to take advantage of sadness and hardship. You will know how to take pain and tranform it into something useable. You will do really good in school in a few years – but still, get it together – you will have interesting lovely friends, and a pair of amazing parents.

Yes. You are still screwing up almost 4 years later. You are clumsy like hell. You do not understand how not to be awkward, but its okay.

20 days before your 18th birthday you will buy groceries on the way home from school, cook your own food (IT WAS EDIBLE AND NOTHING BURNED), you will clean your entire apartment, yes, your own apartment, which you've been living for about 2 years. You will put up Christmas lights everywhere, because you have an obsession with Christmas. You will make your homework on time, have hour long conversations with people you love, but you will still feel worthless, alone and as if you're never good enough, but it is better now.

I wish I could guide you through every obstacle. I wish I could be more specific. Make a timeline of every day of the year, where life is going to get tough. But sometimes all we need is to know that no matter what you're still standing almost 4 years later and life is not as miserable.

You are strong now, because you were strong then.
And I am so grateful.

Almost 18-year-old you,

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